VISA at work

i work at a credit union. behind me there sits a chick that makes me laugh all the time, she says that most funniet shit...

"...and i will be on the phone with a member, they're yellin and screamin at me and then when we get done they thank me and say, 'thank you so much you've been so very helpful.' and i'm thinkin yea, you might like me, you just don't like my visa..."

in order to be a great mother, i must also first be a great anDREa. also, don't eat at Moe's. it really sucks. but the salsas are GREAT.

by chance, a few funny things happened to me the other day and today....

so, the boyfriend broke up with me the other day. apparently, i was expected to come over to his house since it was my day off. however, i was not aware of this, i had already planned to go out and take care of things i needed to take care of, since it was my time off. my daughter was with her grandma for the weekend, i didn't have to work, it was a perfect time to get all that shopping done i had been putting off for weeks, grocery store, visit some friends, chill at the coffee shop.... normal shit i do while the babe is with grandma. yea, i was not aware i had been assigned the duty of pleasing the boyfriend...

some things to note:

the boyfriend had recently told me that he needed to concentrate on himself and getting his life in order, more organized, concentrate on alleviating some stresses that are apparent in his life. hence: he had quit drinking, and felt it neccessary to go to alcoholics anonomous meetings, sometimes multiple meetings in a day's time. (?) he said he still wanted to be together with me, but could not make any promises, could not be expected of anything while he was doing this initial A.A. thing. i said that was fine, i understood what he was doing, i have gone through the same sort of thing thing myself, and during that period i took a lot of time to myself, friends got a little ticked off at me not calling them back, BUT, they understood...

so, back to this: the boyfriend calls on this particular saturday. he asks me what i am going to be doing that day. he then asks me if i was going to grace him with my prescence some time during the day... i list all the things i had planned, the errands, the big piece of art i have been working on... i mention that i was not in fact going to come over to his place, i had a lot of things to do, plus, i had not had time to myself in long while. my daughter only goes to see her grandma every two weekends, and on these weekends, i like to make sure i create art, relax, catch up with being ME, not doing the whole mommie thing. by observing this rule, i have found myself to not go crazy, and i also find i am better at being a mother for my daughter.

well, i tell him i will call him later, we hang up a little bit on the abrupt side.... but i was thinking to myself, "oh well, i have to do what i have to do, i don't have time to go over there today." i knew he wanted me to come over, but there was nothing i could do about it....

a few minutes transpire.

my phone rings, it is indeed the boyfriend again, saying something like, "well, i just wanted to tell you that this is probably the last time i will call you, it seems like you don't want to hang out with me today, blah blah blah, we aren't on the same page anymore lately, blah blah blah, so i don't think we should see each other anymore, really wanted you to come over today, you were supposed to call me last night, you didn't, instead you went out, (which i did, but i would have called him... if i remembered my phone when i left the dang house, in my defense)

so, he broke up with me... and ending the call i said, exact words here, "Well, have fun with yourself, goodbye." and that was that. the end, i didn't care at this point. why should i? really, to be with someone who has expectations of what you are supposed to do to him and with him, when he was the one who made the change to the relationship: one where i could not expect anything from him during this A.A. thing he was doing... and i agreed, and i didn't think i needed to say that there would be no expectations placed upon me, but i guess i should of.

well, i thought he was smarter than that!

~here, another innuendo... a few days before this event above, i went and picked him up from an A.A. meeting, we all went out to eat at a mexican restaurant, i had my daughter with me. (Moe's... don't eat there, it really sucks)

~i thought he was going to come and stay at my house with me that night, but he didn't want to stay at my house, he wanted to stay at his house. yes, i would have loved to sleep next to him, so warm and cuddly, greatness, but i only wanted to do so if he wanted to stay at my place. remember, i had my daughter, and i don't like to wake up in the morning and rush from his house to her school, then to my house in the morning... i had to work the next day. it makes sense to stay at my place, so i thought, since he didn't have his kids. i told him, "yes, i would love you to stay at my place, but i only want you to if you want to." and he replied, "no, i don't want to." so, i left, that was that, it is what it is....

SO.... after this guy breaks up with me, i receive a text message from him later on that night.... and the conversation goes like this, word for word....

HIM: I can't believe you gave no opposition, and have not called. That shows me you don't really give a shit. Goodnight and good bye.

ME: Well why should i care when you can't handle it when i want to have Me time. and, you had expectation when i had none. it was all about you having space and time.

HIM: All I wanted was some comfort from someone who said they loved me. That does not mean i needed you to stay. And i got the cold shoulder instead.

ME: You never said that. and i had stuff i needed to do for me. You just assumed i would come over on my day off. Like i didn't need to do things for me.

HIM: I guess we just are not on the same page anymore. And for some reason the past two days when we have spoken i did not feel the same connection we had. But i guess that's my problem, huh.

ME: Well that is because you are not being honest with me.

HIM: Honest with you? What are you talking about?

My phone rings... guess who it is.... i press the ignore button,
then i text him back, "Busy right now." I will not go into exactly what the dishonest thing was about, it involves other people, and i don't want to bring them into my post...

HIM: I am going to sleep now sorry i bothered you.

Then, today, i recieve another text message from HIM:
You got enough time to tell me why you think i've been dishonest or are you still consumed with yourself?

consumed with yourself? now that is some funny shit!

ME: No, still busy doing art.

HIM: Figures. Well if you find the time.....

hmmm... although this communication is in the format of electronic printed text message, i still find the writing above here to contain a little bit of sarcasm/pressimistic/shitty taint... ha, even now, as i am writing it over and staring at it in front of me on a flat computer screen. weird...
but what is even more weird is the fact that he breaks up with me, tells me he won't call me anymore, yet continuousy calls and texts me after he says so. he was expecting me to put up a fight, the aformentioned 'opposition,' but i wil not fight to stay with someone who does not want to be with me. who the fuck does this guy think he is, Johnny Depp? a great chef? a jazz musician? our realtionship changed after he joined the A.A. cult and social club, i guess having a bunch of drunks tell you how great you are will really make you think your shit doesn't stink.
whatever.

yea, i don't call myself perfect by any standard except the way i cook my potaoes, they are always perfection and greatness, but i deserve to be treated better than this. i will not fight to be with someone who does not want to be with me and treat me like the amazing chick i indeed am. plus, i almost love nothing more than to be good to someone who truly is deserving. may life bless me with this person! and hey, if it doesn't i don't really care, there is nothing that i can do about it right? i will still be ME and do the things i do with love! i don't have time to exist and be bitter! that would make life suck ass!

love, andRom

i love to cook for people and see them smile when they eat my food

here is a list i recently concocted...

1. just about every day i wear the same pair of jeans, and i have not washed them in months.

2. i love my daughter more than anything in the world, and i am making sure she gets a quality education growing up, along with awesome experiences, lots of colors, and crazy people- myself included.

3. i refuse to get a television, but i love movies. i might get a tv in the future, but i will not get cable. KET will suffice. fuck all that shit they try to feed us,
fucking nazis.

4. my current goal is attain a house, just so i can own a piano.

5. in my new job, many thousands (usually around $100,000) of dollars pass through my hands everyday, but never does the thought of any stealing come to my mind.

6. for the most part, everything in our lives and around us is brought upon us by our thoughts, actions, attitudes, and expressions; all this is related to how we see ourselves and how we think others see us. we tell others how to treat us by these reasons. life still throws surprise shit and flowers in our faces, but how we deal with it is really what sticks, a bad day will stick around for years if we let it, a good day will last forever if we let it. i try to take it all in as it is, live in the now, fuck the bad past, i won't let it stick, i only got room for the shit that really matters: the good day i have been having for many a moon now...
everything around me is a direct result of some sort of action on my part.

7. my computer sits on the floor, i sit on the floor here typing away. (no, my back does not hurt, i got the keyboard up on college text books)
one day a while ago, a certain guy, who shall remain nameless, came over to my house with a computer table he bought from wal-mart, (ha) gave it to me. then, in ten minutes, he asked to sleep with me. i said hell no. he left in ten minutes after that, didn't even bother putting the computer table together. later on that week, i took the computer table to wal-mart, returned it, they gave me forty bucks cash for it. i needed groceries, not cheap wal-mart crap. or to get laid.

8. i like being alone. i can concentrate on whatever i want and can go wherever.

9. the simple and complex way all things are connected, this is beautiful and very amazing. i am amazed with ordinary life, and have thoughts everyday about how cool the way it all is here existing. ~i do not believe in god, i don't need a god to help me cope with not knowing what happens after death, and i don't need to feel special or part of a group or religion, i am just happy with living, living is my way. i try my best to make it great. life in itself is an awesome miracle, it is what it is, and i don't need it to be explained with some creation myth, or fable, or whatever. just look and see, life is right here and now, forever, going on and on. there are some things that i just accept as they are, and there are somethings i just don't know, and that is fine with me. the golden rule does seem to work, though, but this must also be practiced both ways: do unto others as you would do unto yourself, but also do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you. we are all here together.

10. i love to cook for people and see them smile when they eat my food.

hmmmmmmmj

so how do you make someone see something when they just will not open up and look?
very frustrating...
oh well.
back to my art stuff.
they will hear it when they are ready.

especially being alive during so

and so, i love life. On the way to work today, well every day i pass these funny landmarks. I pass normal buildings: on my right a flattened looking drab brown brick modern looking building with a sign in front that reads, ' The National Bowling Association,' which is followed by a similar all day lighted up billboard sign with a saying of, "I think that someone is boring me. I think it is me. ~Dylan Thomas." This sign is placed near the road in front of what looks like a church, not too sure what it really is. But before all this has come to pass, though, I pass the hilly St. Peter and Paul cemetery, and right after it, we have a small residential house turned business with a sign out front that reads, "Fill dirt for sale."

wait a minute....I just got a scene played out in my head that mirrored the whole poltergeist reason why the original house was haunted, man, i wonder if anybody who has purchased the fill dirt has indeed had the same consequence of being bothered by VERY angry bloody child thirsty ghosts?!? the Cincinnati Enquirer in all its high and holy conservative mess would not even touch that shit... so we will never know... rats.



some other oddities that come to mind in my everyday wanderings through life as i know it...



~a Chinese restaurant on Bardstown Road in Louisville, Kentucky that is right next to a animal clinic. The restaurant is called 'Cafe Mimosa.'


~Being allowed to wear a casual Friday day shirt on casual business dress Fridays, but trying it on to find that is waaay too big.

Coincidence: the act or condition of coinciding. correspondence. the occurence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection.

Correspondence: 1. a: the agreement of things with one another b: a particular similarity c: a relation between sets in which each member of one set is associated with one or more members of the other

Sardonic: disdainfully or skeptically humorous : derisively mocking



again, I love life and being. especially being alive during so.

round treasures and music

i love records. and i think i am going to go seek some new ones out today. treasure hunting is a favorite pastime, mainly because it is not JUST a way to pass the time, it is a way to make the most out of what time i have. wow, just don't know what life would be without round treasures and music. it certainly would not be a life i would be an active part of.

why i carry bobby pins in my pocket.

it's just funny.

the only thing that is constant in this world is change, the only thing that will always be here is change. yet, us silly humans being here and now are stressed out by the fact that change happens, like when we start a new job, meet someone new, try a different method, it usually makes us a little jittery. it can be a good jittery, or a bad jittery, this depends on how well the person can roll with it, this weird thing we call change.

and well, since change is the only thing that is always here, one would think that we would be used to it by now, but no, usually the silly humans being here get nervous. why do we torture ourselves? why can't we just get used to the fact that nothing is permanent or secure? why can't we realize that life is a big change happening at all angles and perspectives and levels at all times, forever? hey, i sure don't know, that's for sure. and i am definitely one of those silly humans i was talking about. i like to be comfortable, warm and fuzzy shoes with socks in the middle i have been wearing for days. three day old sock comfort, now that's WEAR it's at. (pun intended)

so, maybe to be the best person we can possibly be though, maybe we should strive to embrace change, to get better at rolling with the flow, to aim at being alert at all angles at all times: to be prepared for just about anything that comes our way. life is always going to change. John Lennon said in his great song, Beautiful Boy, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." yet, i don't think that there is an advantage to not making some sort of plan with your life or time, but there is an advantage to having back-up plans, or maybe not being so discouraged when everything you have planned does not pan out as exactly as previously envisioned.

we can predict the wind, but we cannot change it, and we should try not to get too pissed off when it blows our hair out of place. that's why i carry bobby pins in my pocket.

one day a while ago i visited an abandoned house, well, it had burned the down many years ago. of course, it did not have any inhabitants. the steps leading up were most weird, scattered with items used for living. sort of.
a really cool looking porch at one time, the vines all tangled up and around, looks like it was a cool place to smoke a doobie or sip a drink while relaxin with friends, grillin out, making some thing tasty and odoriferous...

the porch led off from the kitchen, which was the most depressing thing i came across on the exploration. cans and boxes of food left out, like it all happened so suddenly, whatever IT in fact was.

coffee

it's wonderful thing that is best enjoyed with company worth and loved to be around. good things and ideas sprout up almost instantaneously.

hippies are tall.

..... but alas, it is in fact him, and yes, I made some bad decisions, ingested many a weird and questionable substance, and forgot to brush my hair for a few years. Well, i had been forgetting the brush since new year's eve 1998-99, but that is beside the Real point: I am extremely thankful I have made it this far. Some words that come to mind when I try to describe how I made it through, or better yet, words that help say what I am today that has allowed my lucky ass to make it this far:
Healthy- bad health is not an option. We are in control of what and how we feel.
Crazy- I do not understand why a person would not want to go through life without laughing at anything possible or breaking out into the chorus of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' while waiting in the checkout line at K-Mart. But I was talking to this one guy at a coffee shop in Cincinnati and he said K-Mart sucks, but he buys all his white Haynes his way undies there. won't go anywhere else. But really, Laughter is indeed the best medicine and helps the whole 'Healthy' thing be around in full effect. The two go hand in hand. Health means a happy soul and body.
Questionable- Dude. don't take some one's words for anything. we all know this. but what i do is take the person's word, put it in a little file in back, take it out later and go over it with other people, or research it while i am sitting on the pot, driving, or walking to get change for the laundry. We all don't know the whole truth, just little pieces. We must all work together if we are going to get anywhere. it's not going to be easy, but it will be fun to figure out who knows what, and how they know this and that, why they don't know something else.
Three- everything is numbers. everything can graphed in some way. everything is fractals. and fractals are fucking amazing. life is beautiful and and i am in awe every single day. every day i have a thought about how incredible it all is and the way it all works out is perfect, everything is as it should be at all times, and everything is now and forever and was.
Creative- macgyver. or ninja, however you want to say it.
Bike- riding a bike is one of my most bestest most favorite things to do and it has been since i was a very little girl. the sensation of a fast heart beat while floating through the lovely space..... the pedals moving.... the chain making the tink tink tin k... my eyes are watering, and i turn my head to hear the more still wind as i cut through, a stark contrast to the loud air whistle when my head was looking straight ahead... love it. Living without a bike is not an option i take.
Thelonious Sphere Monk- from a journal entry i wrote for an english class a few years ago:

21 September 2005
Spherical Sense
It all happens very quickly, so I will try to explain, it only happens for a blink. So very suddenly I feel the serenity of the water in front of me while the wind blows through my head, I feel alive, like a sting on my tongue, I feel a rush through my veins, and I start to fly. I smile too big for my head with my eyes rolling back all the way to the first time I heard this unforgettable, so sweet and lovely. I have heard a beautiful song, and my mind gets prickly as a certain phrase is played, blushing. I feel blessed, to say the least, and smarter for having heard it the way I did.
At that specific point when I scientifically listen to the way a song is constructed- to be conscious of what each person is contributing and experience the way they weave it together and what they are saying to their audience- is a religious acquaintance. As I listen to a live recording of Thelonious Monk and company with audience coughs and hums in the background noise my eyes are intoxicated. If power is the ability to make change, then his musical note choices have caused me to listen more carefully than I did before, and I regret that I cannot physically shake his hand today and say thanks for the help. He is dead, but he is influencing change in the present and not just the past; musicians today are still carrying on what he helped start in New York. I hope I can be proficient enough artistically one day to do the same.

Short- i love being my height of four feet, eleven inches and three fourths of an inch. not quite five feet tall. this has helped me get into many concerts for free. hippies are tall.

The Tripper.

It is a movie with Ronald Reagan killing hippies. metaphor. i like metaphor.
In fact, i can go as far as saying that i love metaphor. yummy.

another wun

so i have been having my head stuck up in or around this cute little book of poetry and lectures by a really interesting and sometimes hard to understand guy, he's been dead for a while, shit, i don't know when he actually died. i will have to look that up in a few.

his name is e e cummings. somebody actually told me that he changed his legal name to e e cummings, all lower case letters.

his writings almost always have punctuation placed in spots that some, well most, people find to be weird, like he will put a ( at the beginning of a sentence, with no other ) afterwards. it's like he is trying to write something else than just words, well of course, but his poems speak so rightly, just as i would say whatever he is talking about, he put it in a way that my head actually thinks to itself about the subject, idea, whatever... hard to explain. there are a lot of things about him that are absolutely hard to understand and explain. my head likes him though. a lot.
(there i go again, talking about my head as if it were a seperate entity.) space, the final fronteir.
my frontal lobe. the final frontal lobe. heh heh hehe

okay, so back to this book of e e cumings. he gave some lectures at Harvard in 1952-53, six in all. they were about him, how he found himself as a person, how he came to be an artist and a writer, how an artist=writer. the amazingness of humanity, the greatness of imagination and love and life and alive. in each lecture, the first 45 minutes were about him and his life, but the last part of the lecture, he would read poems from other artists that had an impact on himself or other people he loved. for example, at the end of his first lecture, he read a poem his mother kept copied down in a littel spiral bound notebook she kept with her at all times.

there was one piece he read though, at the end of the sixth lecture that was just absolutely amazing, i had to read over it more than a few times. such a beautiful selection. it is the last three stanzas of Percy Bysshe Shelley's Prometheus Unbound, Act IV. chk it out...

This is the day, which down the void abysm
At the Earth-born's spell yawns for Heaven's despotism.
And Conquest is dragged captive through the deep:
Love, from its awful throne of patient power
In the wise heart, from the last giddy hour
Of dread endurance, from the slippery, steep,
And narrow verge of crag-like agony, springs
And folds over the world its healing wings.

Gentleness, Virtue, Wisdom, and Endurance,
These are the seals of that most firm assurance
Which bars the pit over Destruction's strength;
And if, with infirm hand, Eternity,
Mother of many acts and hours, should free
The serpent that would clasp her with his length;
These are the spells by which to reassume
An empire o'er the disentangled doom.

To suffer woes which Hope thinks infinite;
To forgive wrongs darker than death or night;
To defy Power, which seems omnipotent;
To love, and bear; to hope till Hope creates
From its own wreck the thing it contemplates;
Neither to change, nor falter, nor repent;
This, like thy glory, Titan, is to be
Good, great and joyous, beautiful and free;
This is alone Life, Joy, Empire, and Victory.

yes yes yes. man, powerful lines, and i like the flows of it all on top of that.

and he said/wrote something else in his fourth lecture that really caught my eyes, this he actually wrote himself...

"you and i are not snobs. We can never be born enough. We are
human beings;for whom birth is a supremely welcome mystery,the
mystery of growing:the mystery which happens only and whenever
we are faithful to ourselves . . . Life,for eternal us,is now . . ."