where is the luck?

wow, my fingers have been crossed for a really long time, they are starting to cramp up. where is the luck?

dammmit... ...

physical labour is sometimes the greatest thing known to me. last night was such a great time, and there was tasty wine involved as well! even better! my head feels so much better, it's a beautiful day, there's awesome coffee on the burner downstairs. sweeeet.
:especially the coffee part. the house i am oh so much in love with is getting rather cold, all those windows up top here are old, large, (beautiful) single paned shutter types, and i got five of them. Duke's going to make a fucking killing if i let them.. . .. been avoiding that one for a while now... anybody know where to get some free heat? dammmit... ...

the parking ticket or the bad day?

laundry and errand doings flashing with repetitive shivers, hitting my knuckles so hard they bruise. it's getting fucking cold outside again, i got the thick socks yearly cleaning done, more in the washer as i tap away at this plastic thing. listening to the lively mix put forth by the shuffle on my computer, it makes some good choices. weird though, it always plays polvo or sage francis or curtis mayfield or all three. no matter what. who is this ever present deciding little alien inside of my computer? i would like to meet it (him/her) and give him a xanax. yea. palindrome drugs are the best~ i hear. or maybe the kinds that make you look back are just as good, looking back is a good way to figure out what you got to stand upon. and me, being short, cannot help but falling BACK on the ground so many times throughout the day, hey, it's close. i like getting down to earth especially since i have all this extra spaciness to deal with. wow, i wonder who reads all this shit... i just tap it into the black key board.
parking tickets are not for good days. so who was first, really? the parking ticket or the bad day?

well, it always Will BE probably.

saturday is fun times, so is fridays and mondays and wednesdays. shit, it's all goodness. just thankful i'm here. excited about what the future is going to be doing. and dinner should be fun too. i am going to go and check out some sweet art... smiles smiles smiles and more smiles to be had!

such a nice day to be outside! again, fall is cool. well, it always Will BE probably.

he he he

so yea, i absolutely love a book a friend of mine got for Azyah (me) a few years ago. it's one written by Shel Silverstein, published after his death, called 'Runny Babbit.' It is so much fun to read those poems out loud, even more so than all the others Shel has written. he he he...

Runny Babbit lent to wunch
And heard the saitress way,
"We have some lovely stabbit rew
--Our Special for today."

coffee is good and so is the sky with pollution rainbows.

typing taps away at my insanity, slowly breaking it down to a normal level of what-ever-ness... whatever THAT is...
i went to my old place of employment today, it took all my possible strength to not yell out how much of azyah and andrea's life they have completely fucked up, but a lower voice of mine instead was spoken to a few familiar faces, and i was thankful to control my anger to a point of just letting my hands shake. i let a few people know that the place they work for denied my un-employment three times now. still, i will try again and a-fucking-again...
sometimes when i am pissed off i get loud and let others know whether they care or not, just like i am typing here, if you the Other Reader do indeed exist. but on this place, really, this is for me and if you care to read my bloggings, i invite you to do so. this whole typing thing i think is helping my brain get better and better. at least i like to think so. maybe a few comments from people... do you have any questions about what it's like to have amnesia? i could answer them for you. Sure, you could look it all up on wikipedia, and i have looked there as well to find out what is going on with my head, but to hear it told from my first hand seems to be interesting to other people, and i like to talk to people about it. i have noticed sometimes that other people haven't really thought about what it might be like to not know what day of the week it is, and to not know how to get to the grocery store they have been going to every other day for years. it is so weird to have the directions written down to my daughter's school in my car so i don't get lost. my memory gets better for a few days, then it seems to relapse a little bit, then a little better, and so forth. i have had my room-mate in the car with me in the mornings so i don't need to reference my directions too much... still, i wonder how much i would need to if he wasn't there. everything just seems so fuzzy temporary. i guess it all really was and will be and is forever; i just needed a major head injury to smack my ass back into knowledge of it, and to learn how to live with the philosophy of 'going with the flow.' it makes it easier to go with it if you got to really look all the time and not take anything for granted, like knowing the date (it's always today) or the time (it's always now) or who i am (i'm always being me) or why (it just IS)

whatever the name for whatever kind of whatever philosophizing i have just written here, i do not know, it's just how i feel and how i perceive things right now. i still look through the lens of being a head injury victim, although my friends tell me all the time of how much better my head is getting. i know i am different though. and i also know there are certain things i used to be able to recall easily and now have a hard time. this is so weird, it's like my whole personality and identity has changed in just one day. but well, that could happen to anybody on any given day, anything can happen, and the happenings don't even have to be injuries... they could be good things... and there have been great things in my life as well these past weeks, blessings and good vibes and laughter echoes...
been writing and creating lots. and if you who are reading this would like to purchase, now is the best time, as i am broke and gots deals on my stuff!
been eating a few chill pills today.
coffee is good and so is the sky with pollution rainbows.

Spring sucks in the Fall.

plaid little girl pants, rumpled up shirts. purple-blue bins and accidental coffee stains. red cat hair rug. one of my crazy songs playing in the back of my head, looping over and over, wow, this Pabst is really doing the trick. now if only i can pull just One more out of my sleeve, all would be bright and sunny in the world of 322B Mulberry Street. alas, my magician abilities seem to have been lost. maybe it's just the shirt i am wearing: true, it does not have sleeves to pull AMAZING out of. well, i guess Fall weather is coming up soon. I keep on thinking it'll all fall into place, and get fooled lots to thinking it is indeed progressing that direction, but something else happens to just bring me back around to where i came from. Spring sucks in the Fall.

things i do not know

i am trying everything i know to get it done. guess there are things that i do not know... this is so hard...

all this

listening to crickets on my computer is not a replacement for the real thing. the spider in the hallway has advanced to better pastures and left behind her precious egg sack, i cannot wait for it to hatch.... azyah is playing as usual. and as usual, i am wondering what i am going to do about all this.

ahh!

Well, still, i am jobless. I have never had this hard of a time finding a decent job. yes, i could get a job at Mcdonald's or something, but it would cost me so much in gas to coordinate being there and getting azyah to school that it wouldn't be worth my time. it costs so much just to get places and pay energy bills, i just don't know what to do! ahh!

i am screwed

been looking for a job. there are none for me. my car broke down. i am screwed.

greetings, pillow

hopefully hopefully hopefully.
an interview is tomorrow.
hopefully they will want to hire me and pay me to work for them, even though i sort of bombed the typing test they sent me... oh well... darn, more time off to enjoy myself.
i am going to bed right
now


greetings, pillow

love conquers all things negative within the understandings between creatures of the universe

So, I wrote today a summary.

I am at Lunken Airport playground; Azyah is playing with another little boy. I am sitting at a green park bench. The paint is chipping off in big splotches and my eyes are wandering around. I cannot keep focus very easily, I've been up all night doing things but now that I look upon the recent night's past, nothing in particular comes to mind. (mashed potatoes)

Although, the events of the artist house spin around the most often. To be around others who create art is always a blessing, and I wish this could be an everyday occurrence for my self. I do believe this is possible through conscious influence, however, I have not been walking down that road for very long at all. Yes, this new, artistic way of thinking is only about a month old. For about two weeks before my head injury I felt unhappy and stuck, discouraged by events and people's actions all around my city, as well as the United States in general. But, I was not able to say that exact statement out loud, my head has been conditioned to keep on doing what I was doing, no matter what. Pay the bills, work as much as you can, and believe that the organization I was giving my energy to was indeed a somewhat compassionate, if not at the very least, a caring one I could feel good about giving my time towards . A financial institution set up as a non-profit in order to better serve the members and employees, to boldly go where the other banks of our present times are too shitty to go.
Well, these flirtations proved to be wrongfully understood and I feel that I was forced outside the organization because they needed to hire on lesser paid people, all under the guise that it (the firing) was indeed my fault. Oh well, it's definitely the institution's loss, and beside, I have been enjoying myself for weeks now. It has given me a chance to step back into my head and figure out just what exactly I want to accomplish with myself and for my daughter. Although, I am still unclear as to how to get to the things I want most dearly for us both. I can see what I want, but I'm not too sure as to how to get there. It's like I need a road map to somewhere I am already very acquainted with. Well, maybe that is the problem- Thinking I am acquainted with something I have never truly touched. But nonetheless, I am familiar with the desire. Maybe because of a slight taste? Or maybe none or all this is true, it's all just a way back to the way back the way I was before. But no, it can't be- there is a before, and there is a now, at the very least a different mind-set than was in place before. This I do know, if not indeed what day of the week it is, I do know that I have changed, and I also know that my old way of living was not conductive of health and well being of my soul, myself, my daughter, and my family.
In order to consciously change myself and my surroundings, I needed to forget everything I know, start from scratch, and do it differently this time around no matter what. Life is too important to be waste on not concentrating on what is important, and to take every step with undeniable love, and to boldly go where the other banks of our present times are too shitty to go. It's time to do THIS differently. We must all get together collectively and talk about a way to live together again. in peace.
Rough times are here and in the immediate future only if you let them get the better of you and your family. Keep what is the best aspect of our colorful community held high and sacred- LOVE conquers all things negative within the understandings between creatures of the universe.

my little sage in the yellow dress....

Wait a minute. no, i can't wait. i am so excited! it is fall! it is colder and everything is awesome! the nights are sweet and the days are even so much sweeter! time for stout and nut brown beers! sweaters! colorful leaves!

although, crazy it all came so fast.

time flies when you can't remember what day it is for a month or more.

Wait, no I'm not.

I still have not created the piece of art. My shoes are lost right now. The cat is on my lap. I am out of coffee. It is the first of the month. Skylights give way to the sky, and vice versa. As above, so below, I live in the sky. The top floor is where it's at, and I don't even have two turntables and a microphone, I just have one turntable. But lots of records. But not a lot of time. And miles to go with no sleep, miles to go with no sleep. Fuck it.
I am taking a break from trying to find a job in this place, this mess we all refer to as the Internet. The WEB. Spiders are cool. I almost said that I was taking a break from typing, but no, of course, that would be out of the question.
I have received many a reply back from shady companies and people trying to get me to sign up for un-reputable things and give away my (diminishing) collection greenish purple funny papers. These people suck. But, I have also gotten replies back from cool people who are trying to find me a job. These people do not suck.
May all replies be cool from now on.
I am going to take a shower. Wait, no I'm not.